Relationships and a cup of tea

These words were shared during a talk I gave at our church's Ladies' Tea event last week. Grab a warm cup of tea and enjoy the read! :)

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A few years ago I read about this study where researchers discovered that when a person held a hot beverage, he or she was more likely to make positive judgments and statements about others.  They also found that people who held something warm were more likely to make decisions to be generous to others.  For awhile now I've joked with John how this proves that it’s in his best interest to stick a warm cup of coffee in my hands first thing in the morning!

It's amazing how a simple cup of tea could really change a relationship.  I find it silly that we as humans can be so affected by something as seemingly meaningless as a cup of coffee or tea in our hands.  It makes me wonder how many of my relationships are shaped by trivial circumstances... something like what kind of mood I am in, or how tired I am... whether I am hungry or feeling rushed.   And I wonder how many times a difficulty in a relationship could be prevented by a simple attitude shift.

There IS something about sitting down and holding that warm cup of tea during a conversation - it says, "I am present in this moment, I am investing in this moment, this person."  And we probably don't do this enough with the people in our lives.   We have lots of ways of shutting out the real relationships.  Keeping life busy, dealing with kids, work issues, housework... turning on the TV or checking the phone... we seem to be pretty good at finding excuses to get OUT of relationships.

The book of proverbs has a funny way of putting it.  It says,
"Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox." (Proverbs 14:4)

So what does that say about friendship?  This scripture points to the fact that friendships, and all relationships, are just plain messy.  It goes even as far to say that they are messy like the kind of mess an ox leaves in its stall!  Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.  A wise farmer will aim for abundant crops over a clean barn!

If you refuse to invest in friendships and if you don't like your family, if you push people away who are close to you - your life will be cleaner.  But you will get about as far in life as a farmer without a plow.  You won't accomplish much in your life, and God will be unable to use you to accomplish the work he has for you.  I want you to really hear that – without investing in relationships, including the hard ones, God will be unable to use you to do his work.

God's heart is bent toward genuine relationships.  It is why he created us to need relationships, it's why he seeks relationship with us so intently, and it's why he built his whole mission in this world around our relationships with each other.  You may have heard the term for this used so often in scripture - God calls us, collectively, the body of Christ.  The apostle Paul stated it quite vividly when he said we are all joined and held together by every supporting ligament!  (Eph 4:16) We cannot get anywhere alone.

Paul goes on to give us some advice for keeping in unity with one another. He says:
"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.  Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." (Ephesians 4:25, 29, 31-32)

People are messy - we all know this from personal experience.  We get on each other's nerves, we disappoint each other.  We expect too much out of other people.  We get hurt, we get mad and bitter, and we let sin destroy our relationships.  We feel vulnerable and refuse to get too close to anyone.

If you are having difficulty with relationships in your life, or keeping a "safe distance" with others at church, I ask you to consider how you might have the opportunity to heal wounds and build bridges, even if you have become accustomed to placing blame and fault on others.  Ask God to stick a warm cup of tea in your hands and give you eyes to see others through his vision and his forgiving heart.  Let's welcome each other, along with the mess, and get ready to experience a more abundant life, a bountiful harvest, and a deeper unity as the body of Christ.

Rethinking Christmas Giving

Thanksgiving dinner is officially over and Christmas is almost here!  Last year I had a guest post on a friend's blog on holiday giving, challenging us all to give more simply and make a difference for the poor and hurting of the world.  An excerpt is below.

During the holiday season last year, my side of the family decided to challenge each other in giving only handmade, used, or repurposed gifts, with very limited spending.  The point was to be less focused on ourselves during the holidays and more able to give to others and help those in need.  In the weeks before Christmas, we had to get creative, and gift-making took a little extra time, but we spent most of the time working together as a couple.  Better yet, we completely avoided the mall and all retail stores.  The result was a relatively peaceful Christmas, and one that was certainly more appropriately focused on Christ and showing genuine love to our friends and family through our gifts.  Our gifts weren't lavish or extreme, but we were more excited about giving them away since so much more of our personal thoughts and efforts had gone into them.  At least when we compared it to our typical - pick item off of a list, drive to the store, purchase, wrap.

Would you like to make your Christmas simple and affordable?  Try some of these tips and challenge others in your giving circles to do the same. . . . .

Click here to read the whole post along with some easy, practical tips to simplify your giving this year!

I challenge you to take a look at your family's plans for gift-giving this season and think about what God might be calling you to do in order to bless those who are really in need.  This season is, after all, solely about him and his true generosity toward us.

I also wanted to share some great resources and retailers for holiday shopping, along with charitable causes that are worth looking at.  We have had personal experience with all of these in some way and highly recommend them.  We'd love to hear about the charitable causes you support or your favorite places to buy slave-free, fair trade, or charitable products for your loved ones.  Leave us a comment below and share with us!  Do you have any unique "simple giving" traditions in your family?

Charitable Causes

Compassion International - Kiva - Michigan Abolitionist Project - Dagbe -  International Justice Mission - The Salvation Army

Vendors

Better Way Imports - Women at Risk - Sak Saum - Senda Althetics - Ten Thousand Villages

If you are local to Michigan, there are some marketplaces and events coming up next weekend where you can buy fair trade gifts from artisans.  Many of the products offered are made directly by individuals who have been rescued from slavery and your purchase helps ensure freedom and a living wage.  Do you know of any other fair trade marketplaces coming up?  Please share below!

Freedom Marketplace

December 7, 9am-1pm in Warren, MI

Free open house - open to the public
we'll be here!

Joy to the World

December 7, 2pm-5pm in Brighton, MI
A women's event - tickets $10

Justice Market

December 7, 1:30pm - 4pm in Livonia, MI

A women's event - FREE

The Outward-Focused Family

Tim was part of my family for a few years.

I first met him when I wasn't even 10 years old and I had no idea who Tim was.  He wasn't related to anyone.  I didn't particularly like him, either.  He smelled like cigarettes.  

But there he was, sitting at our Thanksgiving table, heaping Jello on his plate at Christmas, and observing the conversation like he was one of us.

My parents first told my brothers and me about Tim as we drove to our grandparents house for Thanksgiving dinner.  He didn't have anywhere else to be on the holidays, they said.  He had known the family for a while, and we were going to treat him like part of the family.

OK, we said.  

But the whole idea sounded weird to me.  My problem was I liked my family.  I liked being around people I knew - people like me.  I wanted to spend those holiday moments with the same people every year.  Isn't that what family is all about?

Do you see the inherent danger that faces any group that prides itself on being close like a family?  The focus easily turns so inward that there is no more room at the table.  There is no extra Jello to pass around.  The group members might go on and on about how much they care, support, encourage, and listen, but all of those benefits are limited to a select few.  If you're not one of us, the message is clear: you'd better find another place.

My grandparents (and parents) taught me that family can look different.  Family has the power to extend the incredible gift of belonging.  But every family - and every group that acts like a family - has a choice.  They can keep the gift for themselves.  Or they can offer the gift to others.

At first, it felt strange to me.  But over time, as we welcomed more "Tims" to the table, I came to realize that this was part of who my family was.  We did not hoard the blessing of belonging.  We extended it.  Freely.  Joyfully.

God designed his family to work this way.  He chose a family - Abraham's family - and promised to bless the entire world through that one family.  Fast forward to several years after Easter and some early Jewish Christians believed that God's promises and blessings were reserved for them.  The gifts were meant for God's family, and in their thinking that excluded the Gentiles.  Paul and the other apostles firmly resisted this inward focus.  Writing to the church in Ephesus, Paul reveals the "mystery of Christ" - the surprising, unexpected twist that no one except God saw coming - "that the Gentiles are fellow heirs, members of the same body, and partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus through the gospel" (Ephesians 3:6).

God's family is designed to be an outward-focused family.  It seeks to extend the blessing of belonging beyond itself.  This is how love multiplies.

Think about the groups you are in - your family, your church, your closest circle of friends, maybe your small group.  Do these groups have the tendency to keep the blessing of belonging for themselves?  What specific ways can you begin to extend that blessing to others?