On Homemaking (and Homewrecking)

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. Proverbs 14:1

I read this verse about a month ago, and it was so convicting to me that I haven't been able to forget it.  Every day since then, it has been going on in my head, a true convicting of the Spirit.

I have a sincere desire to build my house - to build up our home and family.  And I, like many other wives and mothers, spend so much of my time and energy investing in my family.  I take care of my home in an attempt to make it an inviting place for us.  I spend time with my kids, attending to their needs.  I feed my family, planning and cooking food that they (mostly) enjoy and is (mostly) nutritious and keeps us in good health.  I love our kids and tell them often and give lots of physical affection.  I seek to help them grow and develop, and I discipline them.  I take interest in their interests and give them ways to explore them.  I notice their weaknesses and give encouragement, patience, and grace.  I listen to my husband, his concerns and triumphs, and support him in his work.  I am an encourager to him, a source of love, and a partner in parenting.

There are so many ways I can and do build up my house!  But after all this building, I too often use my own hands to tear it all apart.  A harsh word leaves little thought to love and affection.  Laziness breeds selfishness.  Lack of discipline leaves our kids feeling unstructured and insecure.  Fighting with my husband leaves dissension that affects not only us but our kids also.  Failure to encourage him leaves him stressed and unable to truly enjoy being with me.  And its so easy for me to blame others for the destruction in our family - when I ought to spend more time protecting and defending what I have been busy building.

This imagery has been so powerful to me.  Every decision I make either builds up a strong wall or knocks it down.  And I have started asking myself - before I pick a fight with my husband or respond in anger to my kids - is this going to build my house?  Or am I just tearing down what I built earlier?   There is nothing more foolish than a builder tearing down her own handiwork.

I'm praying lately that God would give me the strength and wisdom to build.  What decisions have you been making lately that are tearing down your house?

Relationships and a cup of tea

These words were shared during a talk I gave at our church's Ladies' Tea event last week. Grab a warm cup of tea and enjoy the read! :)

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A few years ago I read about this study where researchers discovered that when a person held a hot beverage, he or she was more likely to make positive judgments and statements about others.  They also found that people who held something warm were more likely to make decisions to be generous to others.  For awhile now I've joked with John how this proves that it’s in his best interest to stick a warm cup of coffee in my hands first thing in the morning!

It's amazing how a simple cup of tea could really change a relationship.  I find it silly that we as humans can be so affected by something as seemingly meaningless as a cup of coffee or tea in our hands.  It makes me wonder how many of my relationships are shaped by trivial circumstances... something like what kind of mood I am in, or how tired I am... whether I am hungry or feeling rushed.   And I wonder how many times a difficulty in a relationship could be prevented by a simple attitude shift.

There IS something about sitting down and holding that warm cup of tea during a conversation - it says, "I am present in this moment, I am investing in this moment, this person."  And we probably don't do this enough with the people in our lives.   We have lots of ways of shutting out the real relationships.  Keeping life busy, dealing with kids, work issues, housework... turning on the TV or checking the phone... we seem to be pretty good at finding excuses to get OUT of relationships.

The book of proverbs has a funny way of putting it.  It says,
"Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox." (Proverbs 14:4)

So what does that say about friendship?  This scripture points to the fact that friendships, and all relationships, are just plain messy.  It goes even as far to say that they are messy like the kind of mess an ox leaves in its stall!  Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.  A wise farmer will aim for abundant crops over a clean barn!

If you refuse to invest in friendships and if you don't like your family, if you push people away who are close to you - your life will be cleaner.  But you will get about as far in life as a farmer without a plow.  You won't accomplish much in your life, and God will be unable to use you to accomplish the work he has for you.  I want you to really hear that – without investing in relationships, including the hard ones, God will be unable to use you to do his work.

God's heart is bent toward genuine relationships.  It is why he created us to need relationships, it's why he seeks relationship with us so intently, and it's why he built his whole mission in this world around our relationships with each other.  You may have heard the term for this used so often in scripture - God calls us, collectively, the body of Christ.  The apostle Paul stated it quite vividly when he said we are all joined and held together by every supporting ligament!  (Eph 4:16) We cannot get anywhere alone.

Paul goes on to give us some advice for keeping in unity with one another. He says:
"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.  Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." (Ephesians 4:25, 29, 31-32)

People are messy - we all know this from personal experience.  We get on each other's nerves, we disappoint each other.  We expect too much out of other people.  We get hurt, we get mad and bitter, and we let sin destroy our relationships.  We feel vulnerable and refuse to get too close to anyone.

If you are having difficulty with relationships in your life, or keeping a "safe distance" with others at church, I ask you to consider how you might have the opportunity to heal wounds and build bridges, even if you have become accustomed to placing blame and fault on others.  Ask God to stick a warm cup of tea in your hands and give you eyes to see others through his vision and his forgiving heart.  Let's welcome each other, along with the mess, and get ready to experience a more abundant life, a bountiful harvest, and a deeper unity as the body of Christ.

Husbands, You Create Culture

Do you like to make an entrance?

Do you imagine being a Late Night Show host with a band that blares out an entrance song as you walk through opening curtains to applause.

No, really, thank YOU!

I've got to admit I've watched baseball players stroll to the plate with a hand-picked entrance song blaring and thought, I want to walk into a meeting that way.

Here I am.  Your day = made.

Sometimes I think that's what should happen when I get home after a long day.  Hugs, kisses, the smell of food, a break, and a happy family.  And, by God's grace, some days that's what happens.  But not every day is like that.  More often I walk into a home with ongoing discipline issues, children expressing needs, an exhausted wife, and I think you get the picture.  I walk into life.

Here's where you come in, husbands.  Right into the middle of life.  This is your chance to make an entrance.  You have the incredible power of being able to create the culture of your home.  You have the power to shape attitudes and cultivate connection.  You have the opportunity to set the tone from the moment you walk in.

Making a great entrance is not easy.  In fact, most days I don't make a great entrance.  That's because most days I'm not thinking about creating culture.  I'm thinking about me.  How tired I am.  What I want.  What's bothering me.  So my entrance creates a culture of distraction, disconnection, and discouragement.  Is that what you want to come home to?

So here are three suggestions for making a great entrance today, and they all revolve around this revolutionary idea: Your entrance is not about you.

1. Prepare for coming home.  On my drive to work, I'm usually thinking about what needs to get done, prioritizing tasks, and praying for wisdom.  But on the drive home, I would check out.  One day I made a commitment to pray for my family as I drove home.  It was hard - a major shift for me.  But it made a huge difference.  Get yourself in the right mindset for serving your family the moment you walk in.

2. Find out how everyone else is doing.  Start with your wife.  How does she feel about her day?  Was it productive?  Was it exhausting?  Was it fulfilling?  Was it boring?  Is she looking forward to the evening?  Dreading it?  Listen.  It may help you discern the best way to help her.

3. Within five minutes, do something to help your wife.  Does she need help setting the table?  Changing the baby?  A chance to sit down?  A few minutes to shower?  Someone to listen to her?  A conversation with someone her age?

Now, one good entrance might not make any noticeable difference.  But keep at it.  Eventually, you will find that if you are someone who makes your home a better place to be, the people you live with will start seeing you being home as a welcomed event.

Try making an entrance today and let me know how it goes!