On Homemaking (and Homewrecking)

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. Proverbs 14:1

I read this verse about a month ago, and it was so convicting to me that I haven't been able to forget it.  Every day since then, it has been going on in my head, a true convicting of the Spirit.

I have a sincere desire to build my house - to build up our home and family.  And I, like many other wives and mothers, spend so much of my time and energy investing in my family.  I take care of my home in an attempt to make it an inviting place for us.  I spend time with my kids, attending to their needs.  I feed my family, planning and cooking food that they (mostly) enjoy and is (mostly) nutritious and keeps us in good health.  I love our kids and tell them often and give lots of physical affection.  I seek to help them grow and develop, and I discipline them.  I take interest in their interests and give them ways to explore them.  I notice their weaknesses and give encouragement, patience, and grace.  I listen to my husband, his concerns and triumphs, and support him in his work.  I am an encourager to him, a source of love, and a partner in parenting.

There are so many ways I can and do build up my house!  But after all this building, I too often use my own hands to tear it all apart.  A harsh word leaves little thought to love and affection.  Laziness breeds selfishness.  Lack of discipline leaves our kids feeling unstructured and insecure.  Fighting with my husband leaves dissension that affects not only us but our kids also.  Failure to encourage him leaves him stressed and unable to truly enjoy being with me.  And its so easy for me to blame others for the destruction in our family - when I ought to spend more time protecting and defending what I have been busy building.

This imagery has been so powerful to me.  Every decision I make either builds up a strong wall or knocks it down.  And I have started asking myself - before I pick a fight with my husband or respond in anger to my kids - is this going to build my house?  Or am I just tearing down what I built earlier?   There is nothing more foolish than a builder tearing down her own handiwork.

I'm praying lately that God would give me the strength and wisdom to build.  What decisions have you been making lately that are tearing down your house?

Relationships and a cup of tea

These words were shared during a talk I gave at our church's Ladies' Tea event last week. Grab a warm cup of tea and enjoy the read! :)

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A few years ago I read about this study where researchers discovered that when a person held a hot beverage, he or she was more likely to make positive judgments and statements about others.  They also found that people who held something warm were more likely to make decisions to be generous to others.  For awhile now I've joked with John how this proves that it’s in his best interest to stick a warm cup of coffee in my hands first thing in the morning!

It's amazing how a simple cup of tea could really change a relationship.  I find it silly that we as humans can be so affected by something as seemingly meaningless as a cup of coffee or tea in our hands.  It makes me wonder how many of my relationships are shaped by trivial circumstances... something like what kind of mood I am in, or how tired I am... whether I am hungry or feeling rushed.   And I wonder how many times a difficulty in a relationship could be prevented by a simple attitude shift.

There IS something about sitting down and holding that warm cup of tea during a conversation - it says, "I am present in this moment, I am investing in this moment, this person."  And we probably don't do this enough with the people in our lives.   We have lots of ways of shutting out the real relationships.  Keeping life busy, dealing with kids, work issues, housework... turning on the TV or checking the phone... we seem to be pretty good at finding excuses to get OUT of relationships.

The book of proverbs has a funny way of putting it.  It says,
"Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox." (Proverbs 14:4)

So what does that say about friendship?  This scripture points to the fact that friendships, and all relationships, are just plain messy.  It goes even as far to say that they are messy like the kind of mess an ox leaves in its stall!  Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.  A wise farmer will aim for abundant crops over a clean barn!

If you refuse to invest in friendships and if you don't like your family, if you push people away who are close to you - your life will be cleaner.  But you will get about as far in life as a farmer without a plow.  You won't accomplish much in your life, and God will be unable to use you to accomplish the work he has for you.  I want you to really hear that – without investing in relationships, including the hard ones, God will be unable to use you to do his work.

God's heart is bent toward genuine relationships.  It is why he created us to need relationships, it's why he seeks relationship with us so intently, and it's why he built his whole mission in this world around our relationships with each other.  You may have heard the term for this used so often in scripture - God calls us, collectively, the body of Christ.  The apostle Paul stated it quite vividly when he said we are all joined and held together by every supporting ligament!  (Eph 4:16) We cannot get anywhere alone.

Paul goes on to give us some advice for keeping in unity with one another. He says:
"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.  Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." (Ephesians 4:25, 29, 31-32)

People are messy - we all know this from personal experience.  We get on each other's nerves, we disappoint each other.  We expect too much out of other people.  We get hurt, we get mad and bitter, and we let sin destroy our relationships.  We feel vulnerable and refuse to get too close to anyone.

If you are having difficulty with relationships in your life, or keeping a "safe distance" with others at church, I ask you to consider how you might have the opportunity to heal wounds and build bridges, even if you have become accustomed to placing blame and fault on others.  Ask God to stick a warm cup of tea in your hands and give you eyes to see others through his vision and his forgiving heart.  Let's welcome each other, along with the mess, and get ready to experience a more abundant life, a bountiful harvest, and a deeper unity as the body of Christ.

The Outward-Focused Family

Tim was part of my family for a few years.

I first met him when I wasn't even 10 years old and I had no idea who Tim was.  He wasn't related to anyone.  I didn't particularly like him, either.  He smelled like cigarettes.  

But there he was, sitting at our Thanksgiving table, heaping Jello on his plate at Christmas, and observing the conversation like he was one of us.

My parents first told my brothers and me about Tim as we drove to our grandparents house for Thanksgiving dinner.  He didn't have anywhere else to be on the holidays, they said.  He had known the family for a while, and we were going to treat him like part of the family.

OK, we said.  

But the whole idea sounded weird to me.  My problem was I liked my family.  I liked being around people I knew - people like me.  I wanted to spend those holiday moments with the same people every year.  Isn't that what family is all about?

Do you see the inherent danger that faces any group that prides itself on being close like a family?  The focus easily turns so inward that there is no more room at the table.  There is no extra Jello to pass around.  The group members might go on and on about how much they care, support, encourage, and listen, but all of those benefits are limited to a select few.  If you're not one of us, the message is clear: you'd better find another place.

My grandparents (and parents) taught me that family can look different.  Family has the power to extend the incredible gift of belonging.  But every family - and every group that acts like a family - has a choice.  They can keep the gift for themselves.  Or they can offer the gift to others.

At first, it felt strange to me.  But over time, as we welcomed more "Tims" to the table, I came to realize that this was part of who my family was.  We did not hoard the blessing of belonging.  We extended it.  Freely.  Joyfully.

God designed his family to work this way.  He chose a family - Abraham's family - and promised to bless the entire world through that one family.  Fast forward to several years after Easter and some early Jewish Christians believed that God's promises and blessings were reserved for them.  The gifts were meant for God's family, and in their thinking that excluded the Gentiles.  Paul and the other apostles firmly resisted this inward focus.  Writing to the church in Ephesus, Paul reveals the "mystery of Christ" - the surprising, unexpected twist that no one except God saw coming - "that the Gentiles are fellow heirs, members of the same body, and partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus through the gospel" (Ephesians 3:6).

God's family is designed to be an outward-focused family.  It seeks to extend the blessing of belonging beyond itself.  This is how love multiplies.

Think about the groups you are in - your family, your church, your closest circle of friends, maybe your small group.  Do these groups have the tendency to keep the blessing of belonging for themselves?  What specific ways can you begin to extend that blessing to others?

Kids are Fun!

People always lament how quickly time passes, especially with children.  Life moves fast and they grow up before we barely savor the moment.  John and I love watching our children grow, even if it seems like time goes quickly - God gives us the time we need.   In our family, we are pretty horrible at logging achievements, milestones, and cataloging our family experiences.  For awhile I let this make me feel like I wasn't as good of a mom.  In just a few years, I will have probably forgotten all of the ridiculously funny moments and utterings of a 2-year-old, and all of our babies' firsts.  But I am realizing that none of that stuff is very significant - what is more important is the joy God is giving us through each other, the relationships we are forming and strengthening, and the ways God is revealing his truths to all of us through each other.  These things will never escape our minds and hearts - even if the moments do escape our memories.  They are impacting us for life, even eternity.

This week Vera will be turning into a 3-year-old, and Dante will be 5 months old already.  These crazy kids are just way too much fun, and they are pure grace to us.  We really don't deserve these gifts, but somehow God has chosen us to receive them anyway.  God is using our kids to form us into more humble, patient and faithful Christ-followers, and as hard as it can be sometimes, we couldn't imagine life any differently.

Now that you've sat through my random ponderings, here are some things we've been up to lately!

learning how to sit up

big sister story time

my favorite homemade pizza helper

getting a little big for the playmat... "woah!"

this little guy is seriously always smiling!

Vera is also getting used to two babies.  This is basically what I look like whenever I am out with the kids!

sibling love

Dante's new favorite activity - thankful mama uses this time for bonus activities like showering and eating ;)

Faith and Your Lasting Legacy

My grandmother June came to know God when she was in middle school.  Her uncle brought her to church when she was about 13 and after that she desired to learn more about God and the saving faith of Jesus.  She went to church on her own after that.  Growing up, watching her, it was obvious what the role of faith was in her life.  Her life was marked by humility.  It's the kind of humility that one does not find anymore, not just evidenced by a life of service, but a true humble spirit that whispers the name of God everywhere.

When I was in high school, I used to stop by my grandparents home often on my way home from school.  I would usually find my grandma in her living room chair with an open bible, worn from repeated use.  She would inevitably offer me a cookie from an orange tupperware container and she would ask all about me, mainly for the purpose of knowing what specifically she would pray for me over the coming days and weeks.  I would then hear her accounts of all of my other cousins and aunts and uncles, and all of the ways she was praying for them, too.  She didn't fail to remind me to pray those same things for them.  If the conversation turned to her, she felt honored, almost unworthy, yet quickly diverted to another topic - she wasn't fond of talking about herself.

She wasn't the well-educated, intellectual type.  She simply sought to know God and devour scripture because she didn't think she really knew enough about him (do any of us?).  When asked many years earlier if she would teach sunday school, she practically said no immediately, convinced she was in no way qualified for such a noble task.  But her intense desire to obey God and serve him outweighed her feelings of inadequacy.  When she passed away I heard probably hundreds of people with accounts of how much having her as a sunday school teacher impacted their lives and their walk with God.  That was really just one of many things too.  She constantly welcomed strangers and outsiders into her home, and lovingly accepted all of our strangers and outsiders too (and I'm certain we all brought along a few questionable characters at some point!).  She loved my grandfather in a way I'm not sure I'll ever be able to emulate.

I could literally go on forever reciting her noble qualities.  But that isn't really what I want to share about her.  When I think about my grandma, I can't help but praise God for her legacy.  I suppose there are a lot of people who talk about legacies, but I mean a special kind - a faith legacy.  I don't think she ever considered the amount of kingdom expansion that was happening as a result of her humble, day-to-day, work.  In fact, I'm nearly sure she considered her contribution to the kingdom rather meager. 

I consider her life and the others in our families who have diligently taught us the faith, and I look at my own family, and the faith of my siblings, cousins, and their children.  I know that none of us would be on this path of faith were it not for her simple, 13-year-old seeking.  And I get overwhelmed with thankfulness for entire generations of believers.

God shows us in the bible that we don't always get to see the bigger fruits of our labors.  The mother of Moses could have never imagined that God would use her rescued son to deliver an entire nation from injustice, slavery and mistreatment.  Ruth followed God to serve Naomi humbly, never knowing that her second marriage to a foreigner would make her the great grandmother of King David and ultimate begetting of the world's Savior.  Even the apostle Paul could not have foreseen that his work in the busy city of Rome, known throughout the world for godlessness and paganism, would transform it over subsequent generations into a sort of "world headquarters" for the church at large. 

In her lifetime, my grandma never knew how far-reaching her faith would be.  Neither do you.  Follow God anyway.  Do with faithfulness the arduous tasks he has put in front of you.  It's inevitable and promised - God will do something really incredible with your faith.  You might not know what it is, but someday, at the feet of Jesus, you will look upon your earthly life amazed at the extraordinary work God did with an ordinary person like you.

All your works shall give thanks to you, O LORD, and all your saints shall bless you! They shall speak of the glory of your kingdom and tell of your power, to make known to the children of man your mighty deeds, and the glorious splendor of your kingdom. Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures throughout all generations. Psalm 145:10-13

Back to School!

It's been a few years since we've had reason to be excited about back-to-school time.  But we are gearing up for school activities to start in September.

I am starting a new venture to co-teach a high school chemistry class with a good friend of mine.  The class is being offered through a homeschool cooperative and we have about ten students.  We'll meet one morning per week for class and offer support to the students throughout the week as they work on their studies.  We even get to do labs with them too.  My nerdy chemistry brain is going wild!

We've also been seriously praying about and considering homeschooling for our family, for a number of reasons.  This year, since Vera is preschool age (and we don't feel ready for her to be in a formal preschool) we are going to try out a preschool curriculum at home.  As I've been researching and deciding on a curriculum to use, I'm getting so excited to have this special time with Vera.  She has started noticing the "school supplies" around the house, and keeps asking enthusiastically to play with them.  Keep in mind that our school supplies in preschool are mostly a bunch of crazy fun art supplies and fun books to read!  It will be hard to contain ourselves for another couple of weeks until we start.

Husbands, You Create Culture

Do you like to make an entrance?

Do you imagine being a Late Night Show host with a band that blares out an entrance song as you walk through opening curtains to applause.

No, really, thank YOU!

I've got to admit I've watched baseball players stroll to the plate with a hand-picked entrance song blaring and thought, I want to walk into a meeting that way.

Here I am.  Your day = made.

Sometimes I think that's what should happen when I get home after a long day.  Hugs, kisses, the smell of food, a break, and a happy family.  And, by God's grace, some days that's what happens.  But not every day is like that.  More often I walk into a home with ongoing discipline issues, children expressing needs, an exhausted wife, and I think you get the picture.  I walk into life.

Here's where you come in, husbands.  Right into the middle of life.  This is your chance to make an entrance.  You have the incredible power of being able to create the culture of your home.  You have the power to shape attitudes and cultivate connection.  You have the opportunity to set the tone from the moment you walk in.

Making a great entrance is not easy.  In fact, most days I don't make a great entrance.  That's because most days I'm not thinking about creating culture.  I'm thinking about me.  How tired I am.  What I want.  What's bothering me.  So my entrance creates a culture of distraction, disconnection, and discouragement.  Is that what you want to come home to?

So here are three suggestions for making a great entrance today, and they all revolve around this revolutionary idea: Your entrance is not about you.

1. Prepare for coming home.  On my drive to work, I'm usually thinking about what needs to get done, prioritizing tasks, and praying for wisdom.  But on the drive home, I would check out.  One day I made a commitment to pray for my family as I drove home.  It was hard - a major shift for me.  But it made a huge difference.  Get yourself in the right mindset for serving your family the moment you walk in.

2. Find out how everyone else is doing.  Start with your wife.  How does she feel about her day?  Was it productive?  Was it exhausting?  Was it fulfilling?  Was it boring?  Is she looking forward to the evening?  Dreading it?  Listen.  It may help you discern the best way to help her.

3. Within five minutes, do something to help your wife.  Does she need help setting the table?  Changing the baby?  A chance to sit down?  A few minutes to shower?  Someone to listen to her?  A conversation with someone her age?

Now, one good entrance might not make any noticeable difference.  But keep at it.  Eventually, you will find that if you are someone who makes your home a better place to be, the people you live with will start seeing you being home as a welcomed event.

Try making an entrance today and let me know how it goes!

Tuckered Out

We've had a pretty adventurous month so far, and lately we've been feeling a bit like this:

I am not exactly sure how this happened.  It may not be the safest way to sleep with a baby, so I do not recommend you try this at home.

We're starting to recover and I think we'll be back to normal soon!