Some words stick with you. Especially when they are spoken by the person whose opinion you value the most. And the worst part is I knew the words rang true. I couldn't get defensive. I had no excuses. I was distracted.
The more I've been thinking about how to create a positive culture in my family, I've started to recognize all kinds of subtle habits that chip away at this goal. A big theme I find is distraction. As I work to come to terms with my own distraction, I thought I would share three ways I create a culture of disconnection in my family - oftentimes without realizing it.
- I only focus on tasks. When I treat my time at home like it's one never-ending "To Do" list, I foster disconnection. When I get a lot of tasks done, I feel like I am helping. I feel like I am making a positive difference. But sometimes what my family needs is not more stuff that's done. They need my attention. They crave my conversation. Anyone can be a co-worker. I need to be a husband and a father.
- I get addicted to my iPod. A major benefit of my iPod is that I can check e-mail quickly without booting up my laptop. I can check the forecast while we pick out clothes for our children. It saves time. But it also means I can check the score of the Tigers' game while I go downstairs to switch the laundry. It means I can read a blog while I brush my teeth. It means that at any time there is nothing going on in my mind, I can find something to occupy it. It steals the down time that I could be thinking about what matters to my family.
- I am not intentional with my family time. I can be with my family, but if I do not have a clear view of what we are trying to accomplish, then one of two things happen. One is that we spend all our time together figuring out how to spend all our time together. This does not foster connection. The other is that I leave all kinds of mental room for me to think about whatever else is on my mind. If I am not intentional, my focus drifts. My mind wanders. And clearly, my family notices when I am not there.
4 comments:
For me, it's food, as ridiculous as it may sound. Because I have a mission to provide my children with a clean diet, I am always planning meals, shopping for food, cooking food (probably more than the average household since I try and make everything) and cleaning up food. I have to remind myself that though at the heart of my intentions is love, my children may not always translate it that way. It's easy to get caught up in the act of serving and forget the mission behind that service.
John, this is something I've been thinking about just recently as well. When we don't give focused attention to our family, we can't really listen, understand, or engage. Our children and wives may get the impression that for some reason they don't merit our full attention- and may feel unloved because of this. In reading "How to Really Love Your Child" by D.Ross Campbell, he talks a lot about focused attention and how this makes our families feel loved. A second point I've discovered is that I am not as good at multitasking as I think! Typically, when I try to do 2 things at once, I do neither of them well. Especially when it comes to listening to my wife Emily or playing with my kids.
Katie,
Kelly and I have been talking lately trying to clearly define what we value as individuals, a couple, and a family. Our hope is that through this discussion the way we spend our time will align a little better with what actually matters most to us. We find the same thing happening - we spend time on something that's important to us, but if we aren't careful, that important thing takes away from what is most important.
Thanks for the insights, Casey. As much as I've read all about how multi-tasking is horribly inefficient (and I think I'm worse at it than most), I still find myself trying to multi-task. I'm sure Emily and the kids appreciate the thought you're giving toward making sure they get your full attention.
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