Hoist the Flag, Strike Up the Anthem!

What do you get when you combine sheer spontaneity, a storage-room full of rarely used sports equipment, and four people with a competitive edge and sense of adventure? Only the best Saturday afternoon ever!

This is the Married 'Lympics, where the bounds of athleticism and bonds of marriage are put to the test. Where everyone wins unless they are losing. But at least they lose together.

The games were planned nearly two hours in advance of the opening ceremonies, leaving no time for training, practice, or even apprehension. That left only raw talent to settle the outcome.

Allow me to introduce the athletes: First, your hometown heroes, putting the elite in athelite, the two and only, from the Isle of Hile, John and Kelly! *this is where you start making that funny exhaling noise that sounds nothing like fifty thousand people cheering, but we pretend it does anyway*

And, from the Liefer Republic, Todd and Kelly! *it's ok, you can cheer, they're alright*

We made flags... Ours goes back centuries, joining together the Maitland and Hile family crests and surrounding them with maize and blue, which symbolize the colors we bleed. The Liefer Republic flag features a leaf. You might notice that said leaf in the picture above looks curiously like a certain kind of leaf that is illegal everywhere but Canada. Unfortunately, we did not have the technology to perform drug testing at these 'Lympics.

vs.

Tennis was first up. The gold-medal favorite Isle of Hile suffered a stunning defeat. After fending off three match points and being ever so close to forcing the tie-breaker, Todd ripped a forehand down the middle of the court and right through the hearts of the Hiles. Gold: Liefer Republic.

Archery (darts) brought the medal count even, as the Isle of Hile pulled away in the final round. Kelly Liefer needed a bulls-eye to sieze victory, but luck was not on her side. Gold: Isle of Hile.

The long-jump was the most hotly-disputed event of the day, particularly in the men's competition. Todd and John could not be separated after three jumps. Officials even slowed the replays down to one frame per a ten-thousandth of a second before they realized that the long jump is not a timed event. The gold was split, and the Liefer Republic took the gold in the women's long jump.

The three-legged race ended up being nothing more than a victory lap for the Liefer Republic, who were tied together and practicing while the Hiles were still reviewing video of the long-jump. They ably ambled to a quick start and never looked back to see the awkwardly ankle-tied Hiles lagging behind. Gold: Liefer Republic.

None of us knew how to do the shot put, so every throw could have been illegal by Beijing standards. Still, John was behind on his third and final throw when he shifted his strategy and shoved the Bocce ball (masquerading as a shot-put) several feet past his previous mark. Todd Liefer hung his head in agony. Gold: Split.

Bocce ball proved to be a convenient event to follow the shot-put. The Isle of Hile really put on a show, giving up only one point on the way to a commanding 7-1 victory. Gold: Isle of Hile.

Next up was the discus. We measured distance parallel to the starting point, giving added weight to throwing straight. Kelly Hile came up mere inches short, but John held the score even in what he called his strongest event.

Kelly (Hile)'s strongest event was most decidedly smack-talk, although, in the spirit of the games, no medal was awarded for her taunting and pointed commentary. Todd would be the first to point out, however, that it may have affected his concentration in archery. He basically wilted under the onslaught of demeaning verbiage and naysaying.

But, like any classic Greek tragedy, this great talent ended up being our heroine's undoing. Down 13-14 in the hard-fought Water Volleyball contest and facing a must-win situation to stay alive, Kelly got so caught up in telling the Liefer Republic that they had no chance at winning that, when the serve came across mid-sentence, she couldn't react in time. The ball landed right in front of her. The Leifer Republic may have won the gold, but their psyche is still bruised.

Defeat in swimming put the all-around gold out of reach for the Isle of Hile, but they salvaged respectibility with a dominating performance in the final event, Scrabble.

We are pleased with our silver medal performance. After all, it's an accomplishment to even make it to the 'Lympics, not to mention the medal stand. We were just proud to represent the Isle of Hile. Plus, our medals (clappers) were cooler.

Check out the official Liefer Republic report on Todd and Kelly's blog.

Check out this video!